Saturday, September 29, 2012


Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby...

It happened a little over than a month ago…

I was in Goa; relishing a much awaited rendezvous with old pals from university. Braving through a grand reception from a leaky sky and an amateurish hotel, we had embarked in our journey – the holiday spirit played a good sport in keeping our moods intact. August is hardly the time of the year levelheaded people visit Goa. Monsoon being in full swing, tourism goes into hibernation. But then, we were all coming together after almost 4 years and we were not exactly levelheaded either.

The city of revelers, India’s answer to Las Vegas; or so as is said about Goa. By no norms whatsoever I can be classified as a reveler. But the thrill of getting a taste of that parallel lifestyle which comes with a statutory warning; was too hard to resist. It was like a teen-age ecstasy of trying out something forbidden. The only anomaly is, I have crossed that age a long time ago.

A good thing about holidaying in Goa is the place is known for its night life. You won’t feel guilty if you’ve overslept and missed that early morning beach-walk. Guilty feeling did not stand a chance with us though. We were immune to any such emotion. The Goan skyline might have been hospitable enough to smile through her monsoon veil to her unseasoned visitors; we hardly cared to notice.

We had our first day lunch at a nearby beach-shack. It was then when I had my first taste of alcohol.

Horrible it was. It tasted like one of those acidic medicines straight from a doctor’s prescription. My reaction also was nothing but complementary. I felt like throwing up. I could even sense the grains of First Rice coming alive in my intestine and demanding to let them see daylight. But then I remembered it was my money and civility at stake; with great effort I hold my breath and gulped it down. 

Nothing can be more disappointing when you were looking forward to something so eagerly and then when it actually comes, you realize this is somehow not the thing you have wished for. In that moment, the mere thought of drinking alcohol seemed more exciting to me than actually consuming it. The drink was a local specialty; heavily diluted with Sprite. But the aroma was too strong. I poured Sprite more and more and at the end what remained in my glass was only the soft drink. But the damage was already done. It was certainly going to haunt me for quite some time.

That was not the only shock I had that day. Later, in the early hours of night we visited a bar. It was not in my to-do list, but friends insisted and entry was free for girls. Not that I knew these places have entry-fee, but the word ‘free’ had its effect anyway. At the entrance, the bar’s name was stamped on our right hand wrists. It felt like this place is going to suck us in. I’d have preferred an old-fashioned entry-slip instead.

We went inside – the dance floor. And God, what did I see! This place had a DJ and bartenders and bar girls and bouncers and what not! Of course it would have! It was lame of me to expect anything else. I have heard about these people many times thanks to movies and media, but it never really occurred to me that they could be real!

It felt like I am in a film set. The crowd was young; like us or a few years older or younger. They were dancing to a peppy music, too loud to gather its meaning. There was too much public display of affection all around. People here don’t really bother who else are there and nobody actually cares what the couple next to them is doing. These were a hell lot of visuals for someone for whom ‘Bigg Boss’ is the most indecent TV serial! 

I stood rooted at a corner. There was a gap of only a few millimeters between me and the wall. I could have easily been mistaken to be a lady bouncer or a cheap onlooker. I realized I am staring and that’s rude. I should’ve danced instead. After all, that’s what this place for. But how can someone just start gyrating out of the blue! This place, the people and the atmosphere around here were so not my kind. I feared even if I move a bit I will do something stupid. A helplessly awkward situation it was. I started to feel uneasy. Finally one of my friends said she wants to go out and I hurriedly followed her. What a respite it was! Even though the open air lounge was heavy with smoke and smell of alcohol, a sigh of relief came out unknowingly.

It was only once I have been to a dance floor before. Well, it was not exactly a dance floor. It was a college auditorium and we were having our annual spring fest. All of us were dressed in our best attires; for me it was a neatly ironed salwar suit, with a dupatta pined to it on shoulders; and we danced to the tunes blurted out by a music band. It was so fun, spontaneous and cheerful. This one inside this bar is also supposed to be spontaneous; but it felt so intimidating and choky and so vulgar. Maybe I was not ready for it yet.

While in school, I had set some rules for me which I vowed to follow strictly. It was like a personal code of conduct. Over the years very few of them have remained unbroken. Maybe someday I will be ready to fathom the eerie world of a dance floor inside a bar. I wonder how transformed I’d be then.

Thrice more I tasted alcohol during our stay in Goa. Partly because I wanted to experiment and partly because I knew I might not get a chance again. Three different varieties of it but all had that acidic odor of medicine, only in varying intensity. People who are addicted to alcohol, are either really unhappy or have uncanny sense of pleasure; I gathered.

Two and a half days of fooling around ended with warm hugs and greetings and longing to see each other again. We promised to each other, going forward we'll arrange a trip like this every year; a new place every time. But we are scattered across  different cities now and nobody knows what the future has in store. The possibility of meeting every year seemed highly unlikely. But then, promises are meant to be broken and when they are not, they create unforgettable memories.

This trip didn’t have a great start. There were many things that could have gone wrong. I myself was not in a good mood. I wanted to have this trip to inhale some fresh air away from everyday life. I had planned everything accordingly to give myself some peace of mind. At the end, nothing went by my plan. But it couldn’t have been better. The experiences with the bar and alcohol were not pleasing, but were surely engaging enough to distract mind. That’s all everybody expects in a holiday after all. To have a different take at life from a different angle; so that when we get back on track, it doesn’t seem so gloomy as before.

The sip of sin was worth taken.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Lost Innocence

I’m shy…that doesn’t mean I don’t have a mind…

I used to speak my heart… people thought I’ve ego problem. Then I stopped reacting. Now I can pay more attention to the surroundings…

I used to believe in naive romanticism… the society thought I’m mental. Then I stopped believing. Now I fall asleep as soon as I lie down…

I used to be sensitive…unable to control tears, I used to give excuses to miss bridal occasions…my relatives thought I am unsocial. Then I toughened myself. Now I don’t cry even when the pain is unbearable…

I used to be scared all the time…thinking what if somehow I offend somebody. Then I became selfish. Now my BP stays normal…

I am shy…that doesn’t mean I want life to be monochromatic…

How I wish there was somebody to stand by my side and say, “Hey stupid! Let’s hug. I think we’re soul mates!”…

And mean it.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Escapade .......

There's this feeling... that I'm having a free fall...
what lies beneath is blurred
could be a bed of roses... or a bed of rocks.


If its rose, then I am lucky
If rocks...
well, then its going to hurt real hard.

This is strange. Meaningless may be.
Or maybe this is the sole reason why relationships exist...
Like a magnet... to pull you back.
You never get to see whether the bed was of roses or rocks.

For better or for worse...

That's good in a have no idea what lies ahead.
...makes the journey fascinating.

Its sarcastic...

How we often spend a fortune to experience adrenaline rush...
when the real adventure lies in the little things we do everyday.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Yours truly,

Living on the edge, what does it mean?
You make a move and you'll fall...


Don't be..
The world's round, there's no edge.

We fall...
We make promises... we don't keep... we fall...
We dream... can't fulfill... and we fall
But the world's round... then?

We move too fast.

Stop for a while...
Look around...

Someone somewhere is waiting for you.

Happy living...   

Thursday, November 25, 2010


What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

I had a childhood dream…

I am bestowed with two boons by Satyajit Roy’s the mighty King of Ghosts. One, the freedom to travel anywhere…I just need to close my eyes and think about the place. And two, I can be invisible as and when I wish. Empowered, I opened my history book and started reading…

Suddenly the sky became bigger. Mud roads, horses, bullock carts…and lots of greenery swallowed me up. People around me are strangely dressed, busy doing different kind of jobs. Far away in the horizon, atop a hill, there’s a fort. A huge fort; standing at one end, the other end cannot be seen. Wearing turbans and clad in colourful tunic, fierce looking guards are picketing outside the fort wall. Some of them are loitering on the wall-roof; some are in the watch towers.

From the other horizon, a cloud of dust starts nearing the fort. The guards get alerted. They took positions. Within minutes he came. He, the King. He came riding a gold-plated chariot. Pulled by five horses, the chariot whizzed past the massive Iron Gate.

I sneaked into the fort. There stands an enormous palace; so beautifully crafted. Never-ending hallways, decorated pillars, doors and windows, huge lanterns – an aura of opulence prevailing everywhere. Behind the palace, there’s an endless backyard. Trees, flowers and the chirping birds – sitting among them is the Princess, humming the tune of the birds, lost in herself.

Who’s the Princess? I wondered.

It’s me! I fantasized.


I have always wished at least one of my childhood dreams to be a reality. Didn’t you?

I know you did. Who doesn’t?

So the moment I came to know that there are the remnants of a fort, I went all out to make sure this trip to Garhpanchkot happens.

Garhpanchkot is a Santali tribal village, very near to the Maoist-dominated area of the Purulia district of West Bengal. The place was an unexplored tourist spot till it came to fame thanks to the two dams recently built – The Panchet dam on river Damodar and Mython dam on river Barakar; and the DVC power grid.

We, I was traveling with a friend and her mom, reached Garhpanchkot around 12 at noon. It’s about 5 hour journey from Kolkata. We put up at the WBFDC forest resort. After freshening up, we started towards the fort…  

Deep inside my mind, something was going on. I don’t know what it was. Did you ever get a chance to fulfill your childhood fantasy? Then you might know.

Dusk set in as we reached the doorstep of the King’s place. Time has unruffled the ancient king’s vigor. What was once an epitome of power and prosperity now stands crestfallen, left with a few structures scattered here and there. With the forever faithful Panchet hill keeping guard, the kingdom seems to have gone to an eternal sleep.

I touched the wall of an archway which used to be the Ranimahal, the residence of the Queen. I inhaled the air of the ancient world. I sat on a broken footstep of a watch tower.

I was shivering! An insignificant commoner I am, dweller of a far-off century - dared to make my way to the heart of His Majesty’s place!

The Past in Collage

I was staring blankly at a hedge of the primeval Panchratna temple. In the red hues of the setting sun, it was looking magnificent. It was looking so clean. Little by little, the weeds and creepers fall off. The broken archway took shape. The halls, the doors, the windows stood up. The palace is glittering like gold in the heavenly sun rays. Through the window I can see the beautiful backyard. I can smell the scent of the flowers. I can hear the birds’ singing. And…yes! I can…I can see a human figure amidst them! 

-Sangeeta, where are you?

I startled. I looked back. Auntie’s calling. I looked forth. The sun has set. The palace, the backyard, the human – all are gone. The hedge is fading away in darkness…I couldn’t meet myself.

I was sitting at a place where Auntie cannot see me. She got worried.

We humans are social being. We love to have people around us. We feel good when someone get worried for us, whatever be the reason. No happiness is joyful enough if it’s not shared. Sadness can take life if there’s no hand to console. But sometimes, just sometimes…being left alone is the most blissful thing you want.


A leaf from the History:

Panchkot was a part of a very old East Indian kingdom called Rajchakla Panchkot, locally named as Panchet. It was established probably during early 90 AD by Damodar Sekhar with the help of Sardars of Jhalda. The kingdom derives its name from the main five (Panch) clans (Kot) of the locals.

The ruins of the Garh (fort) of Singh Deo dynasty, founded by Damodar Sekhar, located at the southern foothills and a group of temples are still standing there. The most famous being the Panchratna temple.

Panchkot Giri has its references in Puranas also. The place was then called Sekhar Bhum.

For more: 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

I am leaving you one last time; with no desire to come back.

There was not a single day I liked you…..not a single night I didn’t dream of waking up in the cozy comfort of my own home.

Today was my last day at office here. On my way to office and on the way coming back, I was trying to remember all the funny moments of my life; like I do whenever I see a bride leaving her parents’ house forever; whenever I watch an emotional scene in a movie – I do so to fight back tears…

Human mind is complex. Isn’t it?

I remember those early days. How I used to grasp for breath after listening to a Tamil conversation for 2 minutes at a stretch – your people talk really fast; I remember the first day I sat on the gallery seat in a Shared Auto; I was so amused! I remember Anna Salai, East Coast Road – stunning roads, pacing you up. I remember T. Nagar – the only place always full of life. I remember Durga Puja in Besant Nagar; being near to one’s own community miles away from home – you showed me how it feels.

I have led an independent life with you - living on my own, with no elders to look over my shoulders. Sometimes it used to be fun. Staying out till midnight, sleeping till late in the morning, eating junk foods..... Sometimes my heart used to yearn for the gentle touch of a caring elder. Then you have silently consoled me with your soft morning breeze and a tender wind in the evening. You are so beautiful when you are silent.

Your people are workaholic. They work from early in the morning till late at night. Only twice a year they celebrate – Pongal and Dewali. You look really adorable in those days. Can you ask them to work a little less and enjoy a little more?

I can’t say I will miss you. You have your own charisma, mostly invisible – shadowed by too much busy-ness. Mad office-goers, way too predictable weekend shoppers’ crowd in T. Nagar and universality of Idly-dosa have made you look monotonic.

Still, going apart is always painful.

I am leaving you one last time…with all the good wishes in world for you.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Your smell is like a drug to me…my personal brand of heroin.

[This blog contains hot and spicy materials. Readers are advised to sit in a cool place wearing light-weight pure cotton cloths and keep an ice bag handy for emergency.]

I don’t remember when we met for the first time. I was too young to remember anything…..
Yes, it’s a childhood love story. It started, when I didn’t even know what love is. He was not that tall, lean-bodied or conventionally handsome. But he had a very cute, lovely face. Every time I saw him, I used to die a hundred deaths.

He was a part of my life, a cause of my existence. My days were incomplete without him. A responsible, caring sweetheart he was, he was always concerned about my health, about what I eat. He made it a routine to be with me during every meal. I was so used to him. If some day I couldn’t see him, I used to go crazy. I used to cry like hell…

I was madly in love with him…

My mom knew everything about our affair from the very first day. And needless to say, she was against us. I don’t understand why parents have to play spoilsport in a love story. Is it a rule mentioned in parental guidelines? Then why almost in each and every love story they become the villains?

My cutie was really lovable. Even my mom liked him but she was not ready to let her daughter fall in love with a farm-boy. He was not in our social status. He used to stay in a far away village. Every morning he used to come to the city with his uncle who was a vegetable vendor, to earn some extra for his family. But it was hardly a matter for me. When you love someone, you don’t see his social or financial status. You cannot calculate your steps when you like someone. It just happens. But neither my mom nor my dad was ready to accept that. They wanted me to break up with him.

One day my sweetie came to know about it. I don’t know how he has felt. But knowing him for so many years, I knew it was very tough for him to come to any decision. He never wanted to steal me from my parents. Because he knew I love my parents too.

But I didn’t want to lose him either. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. Neither could I hurt my parents. I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling so helpless…

One day our family physician visited us. He saw me upset and wanted to know what happened. I couldn’t control anymore and told him everything. He gently wiped my tears and told me something which I have never heard, something which changed my perspective towards love.

You don’t need to be with your loved ones all the time to show your affection towards them. Love is an emotion and physical proximity has nothing to do with emotions. You can be miles apart from your beloved, but you can be inseparably bonded with him in your mind. If the society doesn’t approve, then you should not go ahead to give your emotions a reality; because you cannot ignore your society. If you truly love someone, don’t be defensive about him; let him go. If you still feel the same attraction towards him, you’ll know then and there, that your love is eternal.

This realization opened my eyes. I felt light, I felt happy. Now I don’t feel bad if he doesn’t turn up once or twice. But whenever I see him, I feel overjoyed. My feeling towards him has only become stronger.

My love towards him is eternal……
My first love…..
POTATO!!!!!!!! :) :) :)